21. June 09

Ephesians 5:21 – 33

The hardest place to be a Christian is at home. Our family knows the worst and the best of us.
David wrote, “Lord I need your help in my home.”
This morning my focus is on marriage – the most challenging and rewarding of all our relationships.
One of the best things that a man can do for his children is to love their mother.
Yet as the statistics reveal in most cultures relationships and particularly marriages are in a mess.
Rarely do marriages cave in from external pressures alone, the greatest pressure in marriage is usually internal.
One married person said, “We were married by the Justice of the Peace and since then I have had neither justice nor peace.”
I. The Three Great Stresses In Marriage
There are three great stresses in marriage; a lack of consideration, a lack of communication and a lack of commitment.
Three things that will things will undermine any marriage and they often translate to statements like;
“She never thinks about me…all he cares about is himself. He won’t talk to me…she doesn’t make any sense… maybe we chose the wrong person to get married to.”
The good news is that these three difficulties are all the result of the choices we make and we can always choose to do better.
The passage that we read this morning tells us how to overcome each of these stresses in our marriage.
Have a look at Ephesians’ 5:33 I think this is Paul’s summary on marriage.
“However, each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband.”
Husband’s love your wives as much as you love yourself.
Wives respect your husband.
Be considerate; act lovingly towards each other; treat each other with respect; give each other dignity.
Don’t be concerned about your own rights.
1. A Lack of Consideration
It’s amazing how thoughtless and inconsiderate we can all be sometimes, towards the very people who love us the most.
It’s so easy to dismiss another person’s feelings as invalid because we don’t feel the way they do.
Sometimes we try to change our spouse into our own image – but this is not being considerate.
Nervous bride story – ‘aisle – alter – hymn’
We get married and think, after I’m married I’ll train him, or she’ll come into line and of course as soon as the other spouse starts resisting there is conflict.
Don’t marry someone unless you can accept them the way they are – it’s not considerate to expect our spouse to change into your likeness.
Now married couples may want to change things about themselves but that’s a different story. Love can cure many things.
This is why the Bible says, “Do not be yoked together with an unbeliever.”
2Cor 6:14
So how can I be considerate to my spouse?
i. Accept Each Others Differences

Have you noticed how many of us are married to opposites?

The chemistry of bringing opposites together can produce a great blessing but along with the potential for blessing there may also be extra pressure.

One of you is an early riser the other is a night owl who like to sleep in.

One of you is impulsive and daring the other is cautious and reserved.

One loves to spend, the other loves to save.

One of you is romantic the other is not.

One of you is always on time, well planned and organised, while the other tends to be late and messy.

One of you loves to talk and tell stories, the other is quiet.

Now our differences are not inappropriate it’s just the different way God has made us.
Two people can hold opposite views and both can be right.

When we eat, in this country we often eat with a fork and spoon – we don’t eat with two forks.
In fact when two people agree about everything one of them isn’t necessary.
Differences add to marriage as long as we can learn to value what the other person brings.

ii. Be Nice To Each Other.
Show appreciation – a phone call – a word of encouragement – an act of kindness. It’s the little things in marriage that makes the difference.
‘If there was more courting in marriage, there would be fewer marriages in court.’
In our courting days we were on our best behaviour – we did a lot of nice things for each other. After our marriage it’s easy to become complacent.
Like the newlywed couple who arrived at the hotel accommodation and the bride said,
“We don’t want to be embarrassed so let’s act like we have been married a long time.”
Her husband replied, “Okay, you carry the bags.”
Paul says, “Husbands, love your wives just as you love yourself and wives respect your husbands.”
Be considerate even when you don’t feel very loving.
Remember it is easier to act your way to feeling than to feel your way to action.
So, act in a loving way and the feelings of love will follow.
If we wait until we feel very loving we may wait a very long time.
So don’t say, “When I feel loving them I’m going to be a loving towards my spouse.”
Be considerate and you will feel considerate.
We all need affirmation – we all need to feel appreciated not neglected.
Mark Twain said, “Sometimes I can go two weeks on a good compliment.”
Now the root of most marriage problems is selfishness and when we behave in a selfish way we don’t have room for anyone else; we only think about, what in it for me; “It doesn’t matter how you feel I’m going to do what is in it for me”.
Often we hear words like, “Our marriage isn’t working we are just not compatible”?
But this could be just another way of saying; I’m unwilling to change or compromise. This is not incompatibility but selfishness.
Paul said, “Don’t think of your own needs, think first of the needs of others.” Phil. 2: 4
This is no more relevant, than in marriage.
If you want to reach your golden wedding anniversary, keep the Golden Rule; ‘Do unto others what you would have then do unto you.’
When we get married we need to replace ‘me’ with ‘we’ and what is best for me is what is best for us.
This is what makes marriages work; selfishness ruins a marriage but consideration and respect for one another is what’s required.
2. Communicate In Love

Paul’s advice for strong relationships is found in Eph. 4:15,
“Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up in him who is the Head, that is, Christ.”

This verse has the power to change a marriage as much as anything I know; speak the truth but do it in love.
Why does Paul say this?
Because the second greatest stress in marriage is poor communication;
“My husband won’t talk to me or as one wife said, the only times my husband talks to me are when he wants food, sex or to change the TV channel – the rest of the time he just grunts.”
Ephesians 4 has some good practical advice about good communication.
“In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” vs. 26
This verse is a good motivator to work out problems.
“Don’t give the devil a foothold. Don’t let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth but only what is helpful for building up of others according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen.” vs. 29

Remember the second golden rule; before you say anything – ask yourself three questions; is it true, is it kind and is it necessary?
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind, compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. vs. 31
These are all very practical words for marriage; don’t give in to bitterness, don’t give in to resentment, don’t give in to negativity.
We will never get a point across by being cross; ‘speak the truth in love.’
The common mistake that many of us make in marriage is that we are so busy fixing the blame, we can’t fix our problems.
We are so busy defending ourselves or attacking each other we can’t fix the problem.
We love to accuse and excuse – we accuse our mate and we excuse ourselves.
There are at least four types of blame fixing;
i. Exaggeration – using words like always and never; “you always to this or you never do that.”
Another example is, “I’ve told you a million times before.”
We like to exaggerate for impact it’s another way of fixing the blame.

ii. Labels – ‘Get it yourself helpless’ or ‘yes your highness.’

iii. The Family Historian – there maybe one in your family, people who have the ability to remember every little mistake, no matter how long ago it happened.
Jesus said, “He who is without sin let him caste the first stone.”

Family historians have a stock pile of stones ready to throw at anyone in the family who fails.
The Bible calls that malice and Paul says, “Get rid of every form of malice.” “Love does not keep a record of wrongs”.

iv. Loaded Questions – except they are not really questions,
“Can you ever do anything right?” How do you answer that?
Or, “Why can’t you act like a man or a decent human being?”

Paul says, communicate in love and respect the roles that God has given to you.

God’s Pattern for Family Life
“Submit to one another out of reverence to Christ.” vs. 21
Verse 22 is a word to wives so husbands don’t get too excited about verse 22, at least not until you obey verses 25 – 30.
Notice, that Paul addresses 3 verses, 51 words to wives and 9 verses, 155 words to husbands what does that tell you?
Verses 25 – “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her”.
That’s quite a responsibility.
Verse 28 “…husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.”
Paul says that a husband is to treat his wife in exactly the same way that Christ treats the Church. This implies a very great responsibility.
How does Christ treat the Church?
i. He puts her in first place in his life.
ii. He does everything to meet her need.
iii. He gave his life for the Church.
If a husband would do for his wife, what the Bible commands, then I’m sure that she would feel quite secure about following his leadership.
So what does verse 22 say to wives;
“Wives, submit to your husband as to the Lord.”
This is probably the most misused verse in the Bible;
Paul says, ‘submit to your husband as leader of your home’. What does it mean to submit?
It does not mean being passive or inferior or never having an opinion. It means being like Jesus who understood submission as a ‘voluntary willingness’.
“He was equal with the Father but he voluntarily placed himself under the Father’s leadership.”
God made men and women to be equal but you can’t have two head in a family.
Paul is talking about roles here; God has given the husband the role of leadership in the family just as He has given Christ the role of leadership in the Church.
“Now as the Church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” vs. 24
If the second part of this verse is untrue then so is the first – there is no submission to Christ.
Now what happened to Christ when he voluntarily placed himself under the Father’s leadership?
“Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every other name.” Phil. 2:9
Actually as you read Phil. 2: 3 – 10 you may recognise Paul’s model for marriage;
“Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church.”
“Wives submit to your husband’s leadership out of reverence for Christ.”
The wife who submits to her husband as leader in their home is to be raised to the highest place of honour in their marriage.
Paul’s words are not a licence for the husband to become a dictator who makes his wife subservient – on the contrary he should esteem his wife above all others, except for God.
Communication in love means respecting the lines of communication that God has put in place.
3. A Lack Of Commitment
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” Verse 31
Marriage is like the fusing together like two pieces of cardboard with such strong glue that you can’t separate them without tearing them both.
The clearest example of a husband and wife becoming one flesh is in their children.
God intends marriage to be permanent – people might say it’s only a piece of paper but it’s actually a vow made before God.
If you are married make sure you have settled this issues of commitment if you are unfortunate and had a failed marriage them that’s been dealt with.
God’s word is for today and if you are married, settle the question of your commitment – not only to each other but also to your marriage – ‘for as long as you both shall live.’
Reduce the stress on marriage by reinforcing your commitment to your marriage.
Two ways to reduce the stress on your marriage:
i. Throw Away Your Parachute
There are times in any marriages where one or both spouses feel like giving up and would love nothing more than to just walk away from the marriage.
But if yours is a Christian marriage – then you have made a covenant commitment to each other, ‘for better or worse’ and divorce is not an option.
When we understand the nature of this commitment it provides a very strong motivation to make our marriages work.
Don’t even entertain the idea of divorce; throw away the parachute so you can’t bail out and I promise that having passed through the turbulent years you will discover that it was well worth hanging on, in there.
ii. Concentrate on Developing your Spiritual Life Together.
Make God the centre of your marriage;
I don’t have any statistics for today but when I studied clinical psychology 30 years ago these were the statistics from a non Christian source;
The national divorce rate in the USA was 1in 3 but it was 1 in 50 for people who chose a Christian marriage ceremony.
The staggering statistic for couples who prayed together and regularly attended Church together the divorce rate was 1 in 1105.
This is the difference that God makes when He is the spiritual glue of a Christian marriage.
It may sound like a cliché but it’s true. “That the family that prays together stays together.”
God’s intention for marriage and family is that it be the ultimate support group and shelter in the storms of life.
One of my favourite verses from Psalm 127:1
“Unless the Lord builds the house its builders labour in vain.”
This verse reminds us that it takes more than two people to make a marriage successful – God is the third member of the triangle and unless God is given the right to build your marriage – to be at the centre you may be labouring in vain.
Do you know that marriage was the first institution God ordained – there were marriages before there was a Church?
Give God pride of place; He is the architect and the glue; He knows the blueprint for success.
Prayer
Maybe you need to pray this morning.
“Lord I need help in my marriage. Many of the things in this message relate to me. I recognise that I have often been inconsiderate of my spouse and that our communication has been lacking.
Lord help us not to play the blame game with its exaggeration and labels, which have only breed resentment and Lord, help us to settle the issue of commitment and close the escape hatch and throw away the key. ”
I recognise that, “Unless the Lord builds the house they labour in vain that build it. Our hope is in the name of the Lord who made heaven & earth.”
Even if you feel that you have a good marriage you might still like to pray;
“Lord Jesus Christ help my marriage to be all that you made it to be. Help me to have the attitude of Christ in this marriage.”
If you are not married perhaps you may like to pray;
“Lord if marriage is part of your plan for my life help me to trust you with the timing and the person of your choosing and in the meantime to learn with Paul, ‘To be content in whatever state I am in.”
Lord we surrender our life and relationships anew to you today. In Jesus name; Amen.